Superhuman Parents!
How to Keep your Sanity, Get your Work Done, Treat Yourself, and Keep your Kids Alive
When you signed up for having kids, did you ever imagine working full-time from home and having to homeschool at the same time?
Add not being able to leave the house or do what you normally would do to that thought, and it’s a recipe for disaster.
Thinking back to my own childhood, I don’t remember much about the tragedies that happened in the world. Part of that probably had something to do with living deep into the countryside; the other part of that was having a superhuman mother who DID. IT. ALL. (and did so on her own).
I’m a stronger, kinder, and more empathetic human being because of her. When tragedy struck, she kept her cool and did the one thing she knew how to do really well…love me harder.
She also forced me to be independent, for which I am now very grateful. I was making myself breakfast at age 8! I think the weight of our unrealistic expectations of ourselves completely crushes us as parents. Your kids CAN do things on their own. They CAN entertain themselves. They CAN struggle and learn how to overcome the obstacles on their own. It’s what builds resiliency, self-esteem, confidence, and an overall competent human.
So, breathe, give yourself a break, and pass some of that workload onto your kids. They CAN handle it. Trust in them.
- Stay nearby.
Watch from afar or maybe listen (age-dependent) and be available if need be, but let them struggle first. They need to fail and learn to help themselves overcome adversity. When you feel like you want to intervene, count to 111 and just watch. Then, if the struggle persists, ask if they need help. Don’t do for, do with. - Put on your thinking cap.
I know you’re pressed for energy right now, but energy investment up front will save you SO much energy later. Consider these questions:
- What can I create or put together that will keep my kids occupied for 1 hour…2…3?
- Work bins? Sensory bags? Art areas?
- If they’re joining virtual sessions or play parties, how can you make it interactive and engaging? Dance parties? Puppet shows? Coloring the same pages?
- Reading to a friend or family member?
For one family, we created a tape obstacle course with stopping points where the child could make loops around the house. At the stopping points, the child had to complete work, exercise, or art activities. It kept him occupied FOREVER!
3. For the love of…CHOICE.
Things feel so uncertain right now and with that, the brain is unsettled. The brain loves pattern, repetition, and routine. When we don’t have these things, we naturally seek control to make up for the control we don’t have over our circumstances. So, offer more choices to give the child the power of control. BUT…..make sure those choices are fair and motivating to the child; otherwise, they won’t work.
Keep these questions in mind when trying to come up with choices: How can they do something? When could they do it or where?
4. Don’t feel obligated and maybe lower the expectation a teeny bit.
If they aren’t feeling like being online today, that’s OKAY (so long as they aren’t choosing to be on a screen as the alternative)! Reach out to their teachers and explain what’s going on and accept the realization that they probably aren’t going to learn as much as they would if they were in school, which is FINE!
They get to be learners their entire lives. This is a great time to ignite a fire for self-education and to build relationships. You’ll probably never have another chance like this to connect so deeply — take advantage of it.
5. “Pivot” has become my favorite word.
I feel like I’m doing this constantly, which is exhausting, but I know it isn’t permanent. I have to keep telling myself that.
I teach kiddos about Superflex and Rock Brain (thank you Stephanie Madrigal and Michelle Garcia Winner for creating A Superhero Social Thinking Curriculum). These are superheros and villains that live in our brains and automatically take control if we aren’t self-aware enough. Superflex is as he sounds: super flexible in terms of mindset. Rock Brain, on the other hand, is very rigid and needs to have it his way.
Because the world is uncertain and unpredictable right now, flexibility is really the only choice. Breathe, tap into your inner Superflex, and think of a better solution.
6. Focus on your relationships, because relationships trump academics.
Does it need to get done today? What happens if it doesn’t? Are you entering into a power struggle that REALLY matters?
The number one greatest predictor of future mental health is quality, not quantity, of relationships. Now more than ever, your kiddos need you. The future is uncertain and unpredictable, and our internal systems are seeking comfort in things familiar, so be present and be there for your kiddos. Grace, understanding, and a whole lot of unconditional love are needed, right now.
7. Hello Trello!
Trello is an app/website I use for organizing my To-Do Lists, but this is a great tool for kids because you can create a “To Do, Doing, and Done” board. Within the boards, you enter tasks or cards. The cards can then be moved by dragging from one board to another.
If your child doesn’t have the energy or motivation when the task is due (you can add due dates!), then you could create a “Let it go (for now)” board and come back to it later. You can also color-code (colorblindness friendly!), add checklists, change your dashboard image, and so many more things. Check it out for FREE: https://trello.com/laurenspigelmyer/recommend
Too much tech? Draw one up somewhere in your home! #pivot
8. Find your inner child.
When power struggles arise, turn it into something fun. Example: pretend to be the child’s teacher or pretend to be a character from a movie. What would make it more fun for you if you were your child? Could they do their work with window markers, bath crayons, or maybe dry erase on appropriate alternative surfaces (fridge front, bathroom tiles, mirrors)? Could you tape their handwritten work to a window, a wall, or underneath a table?
Exercise is a great way to change mood. Try incorporating physical movement (in a fun, child-friendly way) into your day or into their schoolwork. The possibilities are endless when you allow yourself to regain your child-like innocence.
9. Home isn’t school.
Please don’t feel like you need to make it so. They can still learn even when they aren’t in school and don’t have a strict school schedule at home!
Keep in mind: a schedule is important because the brain is still looking for patterns and feels safe with certainty, but not every minute of the day needs to be planned. The schedule can change, if needed. For example, I tried time blocking my entire day to keep myself focused. WORST IDEA EVER! I didn’t schedule enough breaks and couldn’t keep up with my unrealistic expectations.
The Pomodoro Technique is an option, too. If your kiddos cannot make it 25 minutes and if 5 minutes isn’t a long enough break, adjust to their needs. Remember to keep expectations realistic (see #4 above about lowering expectations).
I recommend to start learning sessions with some type of signal. I use a diffuser, music, or Tibetan singing bowls. For kids, you could use things like music, instruments, exercise, or deep breathing. The biggest thing to note here is to give them the control. We take away enough control; hand some back to them!
Be sure to use the same thing to signal learning as the brain is looking for patterns, remember?
10. KEEP CALM!
You’re like octa-parents…teaching, working, parenting, housing, all the “-ings”. Give yourself grace — what you’re trying to accomplish is no small feat.
In fact, I think you should celebrate all that you’re doing. Seriously, plan something right now to celebrate all the hard work you are doing. It could be anything from a walk outside, to a solo bike ride, to reading a good book, to chowing down on a chocolate bar. Do what feeds and fuels your soul…and then let me know how you chose to celebrate because I am dying to hear (lauren@thebehaviorhub.com)!
If you’re struggling with this, I suggest a few things:
- Nature walks
- Bare feet on the grass #groundingtechnique
- A drink of water
- DEEP breaths
- Stretching
I’ll leave you with this…
Breathe, show up, try your best, and love yourself as much as you love your kids. Things are going to get easier — I promise!
