5 Reasons Behaviors Occur

Picture this scenario:

You’ve gone to a grocery store after a hectic day of work. The lines at the check-out area are long and moving at snail speed. Then, you spot a cashier that looks like they are doing things faster than the others. However, after switching lines, you realize it’s not any faster than your previous one. Unfortunately, you can’t keep switching lines, so you have to patiently wait for your turn. You start fidgeting, getting impatient and frustrated, then you finally get to the conveyor belt.

The cashier looks at you, smiles, and asks, “Hello! How are you today?” You look at them, try your best to remain calm, and answer, “I am doing fine, thanks.” It’s interesting how most of us won’t say we are frustrated with the lines, and they need to hire more cashiers. Or just simply say we’ve been waiting for 30 minutes, and it’s frustrating.

What allows us to stand such scenarios without losing our mind or throwing tantrums? It’s called behavior regulation. It’s sometimes referred to as self-regulation or emotional regulation.

This is our ability to use self-control to help us behave in a certain way. It helps us manage our emotions, energy, impulses, and behavior in a socially-acceptable way so as to achieve our goals. It keeps us calm, alert, and focused. Moreover, we are able to deal with stress, challenges, distractions, and fatigue.

Behavior regulation develops gradually as a child grows. It’s not a process that happens at the snap of a finger. The ability of a child to regulate their emotions and behavior affects their later development. One of the most popular self-regulation experiments proved that children who could regulate their behavior performed better in school. They are also less likely to fall into drug addiction as well as display fewer antisocial behaviors.

Today, we’ll look at the five needs areas that, when unmet, are the cause of those challenging behaviors.

What are the 5 Needs areas?

NEED #1 — EMOTIONAL

This is the need to achieve an emotionally-regulated state. You are not the only one going through a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs. Kids go through the same. As parents and caregivers, we need to help them listen and understand their emotions. They will only learn emotion regulation if they understand what they’re feeling. Kids might throw tantrums, meltdowns, suffer from anxiety, etc. However, you can help them cope with the emotions they’re feeling.

When this need is unmet, you’ll see children with lots of impulsive and possibly explosive behaviors. Once they learn emotional regulation, you won’t see those behaviors as much, if at all.

Here are some breathing exercises, physical exercises, and progressive muscle relaxation tips to help them cope with their emotions.

NEED #2 — RELATIONAL

Everyone needs to feel connected and belonging to something or someone. A positive relationship with your kiddo affects their mental and emotional state. Warm and responsive relationships help them self-regulate, too. When this need is unmet, you’ll see kiddos clinging to adults or pushing them far, far away.

Here are some ways to help your child connect and better communicate with you:

• Show them you love them no matter what. Use non-verbal communication and positive body language. Hug them, smile, make eye contact, etc.
• Praise them when they behave well and use a positive, constructive approach to guide their behavior.
• Make time to talk with them and listen to them. Give them your undivided attention.
• Enjoy doing activities with them……play, read together, watch a movie, listen to music, draw, etc.

NEED #3 — CONTROL

Have you ever had your child tell you, “You aren’t the boss of me.” Their grammar isn’t right yet, but they can still resist when they feel like they’re being forced to do something. This desire to be in control doesn’t fade away even as they grow into adults. Kids need to feel a sense of control over their lives.

When this need is unmet, you’ll see kiddos refusing to do things like put toys away, clean their room, complete assignments, or transition to the next activity.

To help them feel in control, you can have them help solve problems, give them choices for them to decide on, or use the ‘I see’ strategy. Work on having influence in their lives, not control over their lives.

NEED #4 — PHYSICAL

Kids need their psychological and biological needs taken care of. Children need to have their basic needs met, such as clothing, food, shelter, education, etc.

When this need is unmet, you’ll see children being mopey, sad, tired, or withdrawn. Ensure they rest, get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, and drink lots of water. It’s a HUGE contributing factor to self-regulation.

NEED #5 — SENSORY

Have you ever disliked a certain food just because you don’t fancy the taste or texture? Or do you find some sounds intolerable? If yes, you can understand what it is like to have a sensory preference. The same thing can happen with your kiddos. There are sensations that they are craving or detesting.

When this need is unmet or over-met, you’ll see children refusing certain textures of food or clothing, responding to loud noises, and getting really amped up in high sensory moments.

In addition, sometimes kids have a difficult time responding to some information from their senses. Kiddos with sensory concerns have an aversion to things that trigger their senses like light or sound. Oversensitivity, clumsiness, and tantrums may point to kiddos trying to process sensory issues.

The goal here is to pay close attention to what is happening around children when behaviors occur. Which of these five areas (and maybe multiple or all) are unmet? Once you figure that out, start to put strategies in place to get the need met.

Need met = happy children and adults

Need unmet = stressed-out children and adults

My advice…track this. As you implement different things, track the results. That way, you’ll know what you tried and how it worked. This will give you a reference for the future, too. You will also be able to see the progress, which we sometimes overlook.

Have fun playing “need area” detective! If you need some help, go ahead and schedule a free 30-minute consultation with me right here.

Want to know more? Watch this short video